I wasn't out on date night
Wasn't out sharing time with friends
Wasn't decorating our Christmas tree together
Wasn't snuggled up against the cold watching a movie
No one was looking at me like I was important, beautiful, or like I mattered
I was alone - everyone else in my tiny sphere was out living life. Yeah, I had a freaking pity party. The "why us's?" reemerged. He spent a decade in a sacrificial career. We were responsible and compassionate...neither of us perfect. I was so loyal to him, even through the bad and really bad times. I donate to charity, challenged myself as my New Years Resolutions to random acts of kindness. Why am I am home on a Friday with no one that cares while everyone else lives their life and has their fun? I hate the loneliness. I hate the abandonment. I hate myself. I turned off my phone and deactivated Facebook.
It makes sense. Who would want to be around someone who is so damaged? The "baggage", if you will, that I carry is not something I should expect another person to be ok with. Who am I? I'm scared; I'm broken; I'm lonely; I'm tired; I'm frustrated; I'm unpredictable; I'm emotional. I don't feel in control of my own life some days, as hard as I might try. From the perspective of others, I feel like an afterthought. I feel very unworthy. I feel very disposable. I've fought these feelings for months but sometimes you just get tired of fighting. Sometimes you come home on a Friday night to realize what a crappy situation you're in, which you certainly never chose.
Sometimes you want someone to take care of you because grieving has left you so exhausted. But he was my rock, my support, my biggest backer and supporter. He's not here and there's no one that is filling that role. So when I break down, I'm left to crumble alone. If there is a picking up of the pieces that is also done alone, in my own strength. I don't know when that will happen.
I talked with a friend who is 17 months down the line. Someone that I respect - who took a severance package from work and instead of holing up at home has truly embraced a "life is short" perspective and traveled almost continuously for at least the last 6 months. She went and had experiences, she met friends and strangers. She has lived, not just existed.
She told me that last night she also had a grief attack: spent 4 hours crying for what most people who haven't experienced significant loss would probably consider "out of nowhere". I said "I don't know whether that's comforting or depressing."
This sucks: a life I never expected. A life changed radically from the time I got Ryan's phone call till I reached home and hour later. It's been nearly a year. This effed up reality one that I'm trying not to get trapped in, details and lessons that I'm simply trying to incorporate as my life experiences but only to build myself stronger, emotionally deeper, more compassionate. To move forward as a better person. But I still come home many Friday nights and I crack. Because it hits home that I don't have anyone around to have my back, to encourage me, to cheer me on in the direction I'm trying to go. It's isolating and lonely. It's the little things that I miss - it's not diamonds and fancy dinners - it's being held by someone that you know cares about you. I miss having the sole attention of someone in a room. I miss having an emergency contact, knowing someone in this world would show up to help if I needed it. I lost that beautiful person and I'm too broken for anyone to see value in me and fill that role. And I'm afraid, because it feels like that's a reality I'm just going to have to get used to...
Because everyone else is out living their lives and I'm failing miserably to do the same.
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