Grief as an Agnostic

One of the only things that helps keep me alive is the fact that I'm not religious.
If I thought I might wind up with him in heaven I'd be gone.
If I believed in an afterlife I'd be gone.
If I thought in any way or for any reason I would see Ryan again, I'd be gone.

There have been multiple opportunities over many months were my agnosticism kept me alive.

I wish very much that it wasn't the case.
I don't believe I will ever meet my other half again.
He is gone. Forever. With no hope for reuniting. With no signs from the afterlife. He is gone. Forever. I lost my chance to connect with him again. My last image of him will be from a coffin and my last breath I spoke to him will be the words "Because Sweetie, I don't know what else to say..."

If I see Ryan again it will be in a dream. Unfortunately it's been a while. I don't dream much.
If I get to enjoy having Ryan's arms around me
If I get to see that goofy beautiful smile
If I get to hear his short-giggle or ridiculously-eccentric laugh
It will be viewed in my mind, felt in my heart. It will be only as a memory.

The only reason I am still here is because on the really bad nights and at the really bad times, when I asked the "why am I still here"s I realized that I truly believe my only chance to experience the happiness of Ryan's presence will be in my thoughts and memories. So when I die I lose that.

It makes the "I'm praying for you"s meaningless
It makes the "It's all in gods will" infuriating (<see "What not to say...")
It makes the "He's in a better place" pointless

Excuse the expression but "thank god" I'm an agnostic. I would not be here still if I were not.