Midnight Music: You Should Be Here

Everything's just not alright, yah except for one thing it's screwed up everything.

You should be here...

Standing with your arms around me here
You should be here...

You can say it's just one of those things, but

You should be here... 

You know if I had just one wish, it'd be that you didn't have to miss this. 

You should be here... 

I'd be in a better place too if only I could just see your face...

...It's not been a good year

Because you should be here...

Midnight Music: Prayer for the Road

I used to tuck notes into lunch leftovers that I'd prep for Ryan, stick them in his pockets, and leave post-its on his dash and steering wheel. Not a lot - just random surprises. And every time I got off the phone with him, the last thing I'd always say was "I love you. Be safe."

I came across the new video about a month after Ryan died. Tears poured out of my eyes as I watched it over and over. Listening again, 10 months after I first saw it. Still hurts.

Midnight Music: Tonight I Wanna Cry

And I thought that being strong meant 

Never losing self control

But I'm just drunk enough
To let go ahold of my pain

...from my eyes.

Tonight I wanna cry

I spent 4 hours today trying to raise money for a cause I truly believe in.

The whole time all I could see were the couples walking in.

Holding hands. 

Ready to spend Christmas with someone that cared about them

The whole time I fought the memories of being loved but abandoned.

Having promises made but never kept. 

I spent 4 hours today trying to raise money for a cause I truly believe in. 

The whole time I chewed the inside of my cheek watching dads walking with their young children.

Waiting for anyone to treat me like anything but an afterthought. I'm waiting for the flashbacks to stop.

You can try as hard as you want, fight as much as you'd like and still come home empty. Alone. 

I'm trying.

I'm trying so hard. 

And supposedly the second year is worse. 

I can't survive worse. I just want to feel like I matter.

Tragedy + Time