Dear EMS Spouse

No worries. Hidden demons.

Dear EMS Spouse:

Don’t worry. It will never happen to you.

1/4/2015 (09:31) I don’t know if I tell you this enough, but your (sic) the love of my life and I know “what I got myself into.” I am lucky enough to have an amazing girlfriend and a future wife that challenges me to be a better man

Good to know sweetie. P.S. I’m thinking Nolan’s counterpart can be Elyse Alexandra

What’s that from?

Isn’t from anything I just like both names. I always wished I’d been an ‘Alex’

I like those names as well

1/12/2015 (10:05) I want to make a big deal out of you. Your (sic) an amazing person and I want you to feel special

1/13/2015 (11:59) [Phone call] “So…I have to let you go…”

1/13/2015 (13:02) AOSTF --- 29 y/o Male. GSW, right temple. DOS.

Don’t worry. It will never happen to you. He’s excited about his newborn son. He told you not to worry. It’s just that his sleep schedule is messed up. It’s nights. He’s just “tired”. Always tired.

I’ve spoken with 3 other spouses so far: 2 widows. It's the same story. Neither saw it coming. The third doesn’t believe it will happen to her. The other two perhaps saw the warning signs…perhaps they stopped buying the liter and half bottles of liquor because they noticed while he didn’t drink every day, on those really bad days that bottle would get drained if it was available. They stopped making it available. They were trying to protect him from himself. They wanted him to sleep but there was a fine line between getting buzzed enough to pass out and going too far.

Perhaps they didn’t put locks on the gun cases. They appreciated his honesty and they thought protecting their home and their children was important. Perhaps they refused to acknowledge that he could ever turn it on himself. He was a good medic. He was brilliant in the back of the truck. He loved me. Loved his kids. Locking the guns would be admitting he wasn’t in control. 

No. Locking the guns would be a failsafe for the bad days; days when the demons had a leg up on the hero you loved.

He hit his highs and he hit his lows. This went on for years; there was always a light at the end of the tunnel... When he hit the lows you knew you we were on the way back up when he resolved to stop sleeping so much. When he got up and decided to eat better: no more fast food – he was going to take lunch to work. He wrote out his workout plan once more: time to hit the gym – start boxing, hit the weights again. He did all this two weeks before that awful call came in. He was on his way back out of the darkness before that tipping point came.

The everyday stuff will always be there. History of a fucked up family life: the narcissist father. Maybe one of the kids gets sick. Or the car starts making a funny noise. Maybe he’s trying to go back to school but it’s not turning out the way it was supposed to. Holidays hit or money gets tight. Someone unexpectedly dies. You fight over something stupid. When they’re operating at 90% of their stress capacity, there is little room left to hit that tipping point. Work could do it. Personal life could do it. Family could do it.

But don’t worry, Spouse, it will never happen to you. You’re different. He's different. He’s the life of the party. He always has a joke to tell. He’s the goober. The terrible jokes -- those beautiful blue eyes and that fantastic smile. He lays next to you at night and looks you in the eyes and softly just says “Hey” while he brushes your hair back and everything feels perfect. You plan your honeymoon and you’re sure you’ve found a way out of this god-awful system. EMS is draining him. You’ve promised to support him or you’re going to leave for somewhere better – there’s greener grass elsewhere. You’re sure you’ll be safe, if only he can hold on until the end of the year. He makes it 13 days.

Don’t worry EMS Spouse – losing him to suicide – it will never happen to you. You’re never hoping but always ready for the LODD call. The moment where you realize your support can no longer overcome his pain? That happens to the other women. Not you.

Sincerely,

The woman it happened to

Saved for the babies yet to be.