Please Let Me Have My Meltdowns

Please.

Let me have my meltdown.

It may not be “comfortable” to watch. It may leave you feeling helpless. Welcome to my world. You don’t have to say anything. Please don’t say you know what I’m going through. If you do know an element of what I’m feeling or understand a component of grief and loss then please, please do share – I want to know that some things that are happening are not exclusively mine.

Just let me talk. Or cry. Drink way too much. Scream. Give me a safe place to share. Mark the studs so I can punch a wall. Let me run with tears streaming down my face until my legs ache, my lungs are on fire and I have to stop to barf. Let me do any and all of that.

Please.

Let me have my meltdown.

Because tomorrow – or maybe a little longer – I will wake up and tell myself “You cannot keep doing this.” I will let that event be one of many small turning points. It will add a stitch to the gaping wound that was left after I lost my Every Day. I will review and reflect, reminding myself “This is not who you are – it’s time to get your shit together.” I will repeat once again “He never stopped loving you.”

Let me have my meltdown; it will remind me of the route I do not want and cannot go down. It will allow me to release the pain and hurt that I’ve felt every day of the last 20 weeks + 2 days. It will keep me from going down to GT’s and laying $500 on the counter because I see no other way to stop hurting.

Whatever you do please let me have my meltdown. But please - don’t let me have it alone.

Never alone and never a dull moment with you, Sweetheart.