Group Therapy Reflections

I had the benefit last night of going to group but only 1 other person showed up in addition to the moderator. It left a lot of time available to talk about a lot of things. One thing that stuck with me is the stress added to those grieving by others - knowingly or unknowingly. It's been without a doubt the most unexpected and frustrating part for me. Some thoughts from about 2 hours of discussion:

Trying to make others feel better first

Scenario: the random stranger that cries when you share or start crying flips the table and turns into "oh gosh, I feel so bad I made him/her cry now I have to comfort them" or the obligatory "well his mom asked me to do this so I have no choice because this is tough for her" that the other attendee shared; these things halt the healing or minimize the stress of the

Different strokes for different folks

Scenario: after a loss what's hard for the mother/siblings may not be the same thing that is hard for the wife/husband different still from what might be hard for the friends. Not only is the significance of the loss different for each person but the triggers also. Not everyone remembers the person they've lost the same, either. The mom wiped their butt as a baby and stayed up when they had a fever or colic. The wife comforted not that person as a child but the grown man that was having a hard time, cleaned and washed and shared intimate moments with. The brothers and sisters perhaps fought as all siblings do, but ultimately made up and were maybe best buds and confidants for each other. The stories and the memories each shared may be different, the person that was lost will be remembered in different ways, which speaks to the next part:

The hierarchy of loss

Our facilitator shared that with us that a lot of people, try as they might, always label the loss of a child (regardless of young child or adult child) as the "worst". This honed in on what I'd posted recently about Why You Don't Want to be a Grieving Fiance. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't? But whatever is going on with the person you're talking to at the time -- it certainly sucks for them. So why introduce "well this could be worse..." or "at least you didn't lose your..." to them? Why?

She'd also shared that she tries to remind those when training them - someone who says they lost a husband/wife of 40 years to not give them more leniency in grief because of the amount of time. "Yes, that's horrible; remember you did get to spend 40 years with your soulmate...Some people find that person and they grief the past and the present plus the future" Robbed is the word I've used.

If people were more gentle and stopped trying to turn loss into a competition, our compassion to others for exactly what they're feeling and having to deal with in the best way they can would ease the burden of others if just a small amount.

The burden of the griever

I chastised myself (WHY do I do this?!) for it but shared how I feel the need to offer people something in return for spending time with me on a bad day (or any day...) "Hey, how about I bring over dinner for you?" or "Come have a beer on me..." because I have been taught from a few bad instances, by those that are less compassionate, that I am not worthy of being around (i.e. the just-stops-responding caller/texter, the always-has-something-going-on excuse friend, the you-can-talk-to-me-but-I'm-allowed-to-insert-my-two-sense relative, etc.)...

OVERALL---Be gentle with others. I will probably not take this advise for myself, but I say it regardless.