The Terror of Coming Changes

I'm going to admit: the next few weeks are probably going to be brutal...

• My brother heads out of town, so it's reasonable that there will be days where I have no human interaction. As...
• the list of "let me know if you need anything people" that responds to a text/call has been whittled down to just 1 in-town and 'longer than January' friend. While I've found 2-3 new girls/random kind strangers in the last few weeks, acquaintances aren't exactly meltdown companions... 
• Everyone has disappeared-even my therapist. I haven't even talked to a professional in a month...
• It's time to get some work done inside the house
• New flooring installed in bedrooms
• I need to paint and have patching done in at least the living/kitchen and bedroom
• Flooring updates & painting it means I have to start sorting things into the garage for purging/donation. Nothing has been touched since January. This will be awful.
• I don't really have anyone to ask help from for all of the above
• I'm moving back in. Less than 20 days. To our home. 
• Saturday is 5 months. Wow. Ugghhhhhhhh

I expect there are going to be some bad days and some really bad days coming up. I'm terrified of the solitude through all of it, terrified of having to go through every item he owned and the things we owned together, terrified of the necessary process of changing the house from a place that was "ours" to what will now be just "mine", mostly terrified of going through another meltdown solo. Of sending a text for help and no one responding. Of being blown off yet again and reminded that the one person who treated me like I was important isn't here anymore.

I'm terrified of the nights where I remember why that is. Terrified of the filing cabinet in my mind where thoughts I've spent months packaging into manageable folders suddenly spilling out uncontrollably, leaving me paralyzed. I'm terrified that what's left of my heart will be stredded all over again.

The silver lining is after the next 3 weeks I will probably look even better in my bikini, may have shaved off 0:30 from my run time or finally pushed past the 5.5 mile distance...?

Ultimately, after it's said and done...

I'll be home again.