Three-in-one

I sat in a group therapy today. I listened to people share losing their estranged brother, their parent, and their friends. I could only sit there numb.

In a single day I lost my best friend - who I shared frustrations and secrets with. My #1 confidant. The person that knew when I was girl-cramping and brought chocolate over.

In the same day I lost a parent - the person in life that's takes care of you when you're sick and tells you everything is going to be ok. That gives you advice and helps you through problems that you just don't know how to tackle.

It gets worse. I lost my fiance - the man who I laid next to and looked into his eyes and promised I'd take care of him. Who I told whether things were good or they were bad ---- I loved him regardless. The man whose bucket list item was to deliver our child, or maybe all 4 of them.

I lost Ryan on January 13. I lost multiple people at once all wrapped up in a solo package...the single most important person in my life. He was my best friend and my caretaker, my lover. He was the person I wanted when it was a good day or a bad day, when I heard a good joke, when I was sick or hurting. He was the person whose life I wanted to make easier, whose feet and back I wanted to rub and who I relied on and who depended also on me.

The anniversaries are hard but so is every day in between then. He was my Every Day - from morning wake up call to getting to be little spoon as we passed out and everything in between, I'm reminded nearly every second of the day that he isn't here. I still expect him to show up; I do honestly hope for it down deep. It's pointless, I know, because I lost my life almost 3 months ago. It's why I ask myself everyday why I'm even still here; it really doesn't feel like there is life after loss like this.