I've Finally Found Something Perfect

Ryan was not a fan of tattoos, though he never stopped me from getting another. And I tried my best to be tasteful about it. I understand that part of my journey for survival is going to include doing something that I need to do regardless of the thoughts or considerations of my Sweetie.

I found the most beautiful and perfect memorial tattoo that I'd like to do. It came up initially on Pinterest and I tracked from their to tumblr where it was linked to a user Luster who interestingly enough is a Kelsi... Same as his beautiful sister. What are the odds?

Ryan loved van Gogh. His only interest in visiting Amsterdam on a trip to Europe (shortly before we met) he told me was to visit the museum there. I know what you're thinking -- "ha, yeah right, it's Amsterdam" -- but you don't know this guy like I do :)

I was quick to proclaim that on future vacations where he wanted to visit an art museum I would happily go with him - but that my time spent in there was capped out at 2 hours and then I'd be running off to a natural history museum or botanical gardens while he enjoyed the rest of his tour through the galleries in peace. I just don't "get" art. I can appreciate that it looks like a lot of work and understand a story behind the piece if first told "oh, ok, I get it..." but wandering for hours or meditating at a few solo pieces is not my cup of tea. And that's ok because it was his and I was happy to share short moments of that with him and then head out to retain my sanity.

On our bedroom wall hangs a replica of Starry Night. I've spent the last few weeks meditating on a solo piece of art. Much longer than I thought I would ever take time to consider something. I've read up on van Gogh as an artist, his style, personal life. The one thing everyone remembers is the claim he cut his ear off and that he was deranged.

Starry Night represents the turmoil seen in the sky set against a very defined world below. Straight lines and simple drawings are captured amongst the "normal ones" asleep while the world rages in the sky above them. Many other fine points are captured and I can relate to (now) in the painting. If there's one place I will travel to this year it's NYC...Ryan always wanted to go so I will take him with me and I intend to sit in MOMA and meditate on the turmoil that my life has become within the normalcy of the rest of the world.

I miss you Sweetheart, with every last breath. I understand your struggle.