It's OK

It's ok - to not eat, to skip meals, or to survive for a time on coffee and cranberry red bull.
It's not ok - to order food when you're out with others and then just push it around on the plate... just to make them feel comfortable.

It's ok - to talk about and include Ryan in conversations without missing a beat or explanation.
It's not ok - to pretend like He never existed.

It's ok - to make a comment/joke about not sleeping.
It's not ok - to keep telling people day in and day out that "I'm fine/good/etc."
I'm not.

It's ok to not be ok. The things I've seen, heard, smelt, reacted to and experienced are pretty fucking horrible. The constant reminders of dreams stolen, the insensitive comments heard, the stares and the shuns and the avoidance in the time afterward... People can't be expected to carry on like normal under that.

It's ok - to ask me thoughtful question.
It's ok - if I drone on and on or get lost in a story. You don't have to avert your eyes and change the subject.
It's ok - if I tear up a little or cry hysterically. I love him so much.
It's ok - to admit I've hurt every single day of the last 76 days.
It's ok - if I incorporate rituals to get me through the bad anniversaries.
It's ok - if I acknowledge that it's getting worse and I know it will keep getting worse, for an unknown time.

It's not ok - to keep that secret.
It's not ok - to isolate someone for their practices, rituals, or behaviors.
It's not ok - to tell someone "call anytime" or "we'll get together soon" just because you think it's the right thing to say. I don't need false promises.

It's ok to not be ok. Because regardless of whether it's your first or you fifteenth loss, the person you mourn was a distinct individual unlike any other. Your love for them, your interactions and time spent, promises made, children conceived or dreamt were all unique to the two of you. Your bond - physical or emotional, times spent in laughter or in tears, trials and times of conquering.....all of these memories point to the gift of time that you gave to someone else. It's ok if losing a future opportunity for that is devastating-----of course it is.

Ryan was my first loss. This is not an "upset for dropping ice cream" sadness. It's heart-wrenching, stomach-turning, question-your-presence-on-this-earth GRIEF. He can't be replaced. It's ok to not be ok for quite a while.