Letters to Ryan: What I Never Told You (Anniversary)

Dear Ryan,

It's been 9 months exactly. I miss your smell, the security of coming home to you and having your arms around me. Your confidence to assure me I'm doing the right thing or help me to know what to change to keep improving. I'm not sure I ever told you how much I love sharing the story of how we met. I absolutely love what became the beginning of loving you forever.

Nineteen days after driving 2 hours through traffic from an I-85 class in Oak Hill to meet a cute guy from match.com for coffee (or tea in his case) off Parmer I made myself a note. I had left it undisturbed in the 4 years since because even early on, I knew I'd met someone incredible. I wanted to tell this story and share this picture one day. I thought it would be at our wedding. I saved a note with just the date we met and your name: "8/11/11 Ryan"

I had iced coffee and you had tea. We talked, laughed, connected. As our cups ran dry I flirted a little: "So just in case this went poorly, I'd planned on going to this pho place down the road to make up for it...ummm, have you had pho before?" You said "Yes." "Well, you're welcome to come, if you don't have anything else going on tonight..."

They tell you not to do spaghetti for a first date. We didn't give a fuck. We kept the conversation rolling. I followed your black BMW 325i out of the parking lot and down the road to get noodles. We ate sloppy Vietnamese noodle soup because it didn't matter. It wasn't about showing off - we'd connected already and as long as we could keep talking we were happy. You were captivating.

It's been 9 long months Sweetheart. It's unreal still on so many days. I should have been a Mrs. by now; should have continued a lifetime of experiences with you - one of the most compassionate and sacrificial people I've met; should have my best friend next to me helping me with the zoo of fur babies we have; should be cracking jokes and fighting over who gets to be little spoon at night. I know that the "shoulda"s won't bring  you back but it hurts nonetheless. It's inconceivable that I've not held you, not talked to you, for 9 months already. I miss you every damn day. I am grateful for the people who have come through and been helpful - less than a handful over the last few months. But I'd trade every since one of them to have you back. You are irreplaceable. You are so painfully missed, Sweetie.

I've spent more than four years intrigued, infatuated, or in love with you; you changed my life.
You'll be carried with me for a lifetime Sweetheart.

All my Heart,
Stephanie