Letters to Ryan: I Never Told You (T-shirts)

Hey Sweetie,

Your raw honesty inspired me to stop negotiating the "white lies" I'd learned to find acceptable toward past relationships and family. I know we talked about this being important: trust and honesty. You knew when I asked a question sometimes that I wasn't going to like the answer, but you told me anyways. I love you for that. You made me a better woman by that example.

I do have a confession, though...When I said I didn't know where some of your old t-shirts went, that was a lie.

The dryer didn't eat them.

You didn't get rid of them yourself at some point.
They didn't get torn up by the dogs.

In very calculated moves I pulled the worst of the worst - the ones with holes in the armpits, the ones that were too short after a decade+ going through the dryer that you were giving folks a glimpse of the happy trail when you stretched, the ones that had the faded Billabong and Hurley logos that reminded me of high school but reminded you of Cali - and I snuck them into my car in sets of 5 or so and dropped them off at the clothing recycling/donation bins.

It was over months at a time.
I don't know if you noticed.

When we met you said you knew you'd made it when you didn't have to order off the Dollar Menu any longer. You'd still not gotten used to spending money on yourself after years of working hard and running yourself down through overtime to pay bills.

I loved laying on your chest, feeling your heart beat. I loved snuggling up to you and burying my face in soft cotton resting on top of your great arms, shoulders, and chest. I loved the softness when I wrapped my arms around your waist and reached up to kiss you. Or just wrapped my arms around you to hold you.

I wanted to treat and spoil you, even if it was through simple new T-shirts, grabbing a pair of jeans that fit you well from Costco or (what I felt was) saving yourself from yourself and sneaking out the really old tennis shoes, the pants that didn't fit, and the holey t-shirts so they weren't even an option and subbing in something that made you feel great instead of something you'd kept just because.

I'm not sure if you would have found it amusing or would have been a little peeved. I don't think you noticed because you were struggling with much more than wardrobe choices. I love you and miss you.

All my Heart,
Stephanie