The Lifespan of a Heart

I’ve seen statements over the years of the average number of heartbeats we would experience before our hearts wear out. Humans, our bodies, our organ systems, can withstand so much punishment but one day they do tire.

One year, one month, and one day ago my Best Friend’s heart wore out. He’d given 29 years of love to those around him and for a decade he allowed complete strangers to take pieces of him. Compassion took its toll and his heart and mind sought rest. I was robbed of the husband I wanted to spend a lifetime loving, hugging and holding and spooning, parenting with, trading jokes, teasing and being teased by, being challenged by, sharing my days, asking advice from, and yes even crying next to, bickering and supporting each other through painful times. The world lost the privilege of an imperfect but amazing man living among them. Your sacrifice will never be forgotten by me, Ryan. 

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I don’t like the word “strong” because I know the real me. Over the last 13 months the weak moments have infinitely outnumbered the strong ones. Any shining moments were things that HAD to be done, not because I possessed any particularly outstanding innate qualities, but because I have an outstanding man that was a role model for being a good person, through his struggles and vices, that I love unconditionally. I saw early on and throughout our years together how well Ryan and I played off each other (centered, of course, around our abilities to be stubborn-pain-in-the-ass-type-A’s) and would tell him we could definitely be a power couple. It took death to fully grasp the meaning of Ryan being my “other half”. Your absence, Sweetheart, is a loss felt most painfully in my soul – my being, who I have become as an adult. But it is felt every morning I wake up with a visceral emptiness across the fibers of each skeletal muscle, a dull ache throughout my gut, at each synapse and with each and every beat of my heart

If I could wrap my arms around you just once more, it would be all I need to keep going. Today undoubtedly, I will live Life for you. Thank you for giving me a reason.

Always Yours, 

Stephanie