Fathers

Some people just have Y-donors.

The Better than Others Days

Stumbled across this today.

I realized recently that I've spend 5 months waiting for something else bad to happen. I'm waiting for someone else I know to die, waiting to get sick, waiting for something to break, waiting for life stresses to come in and take over...

• He died Tuesday.
• That evening and on Wednesday day, I had already shifted into "support others" mode driven, in part, by the fact that I had no say in anything...things that, as horrible as they were, I expected (granted - 50 years from now) that I would be solely responsible for.
• Thursday was the family viewing. Thursday, being driven home, we got pulled over.
• Friday was the funeral.
• Saturday the check engine light came on.
• Sunday I got pulled over for a broken headlight. 
• Monday his sweet girl went to the vet for peeing blood.
• Tuesday I had to take his ashes to another state. They were not mine to keep.

That was just 1 week: I wonder why I'm waiting for awful to continue? And a lot has happened since.

I'm really hoping for just moments - hours, afternoons, maybe a whole day? - where I'm taken care of. Where I don't have to figure out things for others, to drain my energy consoling another, to take care of things on my own, for someone to ask what I need instead of telling me what I should/shouldn't and after they ask to just listen - letting me trust them. 

I've had a few moments. They were awesome.

I don't want to be selfish. I want to be helpful to others. Sometimes my body and my heart and my mind have gone through a day or a week or a month(s) of being completely drained.

People say some days are better than others. Today is a better-than-others day. I used to call them "not awful" days. The pre-January Stephanie always searched for the silver lining. I haven't done so well with that recently. Maybe I just start calling days like today my new "good" days.

I realized yesterday, after a suggestion was made to me, that the gloom-and-doom comments I've been responding with - in completely honest fear of the other shoe dropping - maybe those are part of the reason that I'm not finding people available to be there when I do collapse.

Thanks Life - version 5 months

I have been anxious about the entire past week. It was about as bad as I was anticipating.

Got post-insurance Seton & EMS bills this week. Thanks Life.

I had to call Texas Department of Insurance and report that the car no longer carried insurance because the owner was deceased. Thanks Life.

Going through things in the closet I found the note I wrote Ryan where I put "I <3 You" and tucked it inside a pizza box. I didn't want to write "love" because I thought I was being cute and he'd look up at me when he opened the pizza and I could then tell him "I love you" and use that word for the first time (he'd told me he loved me about 2 weeks previously). Well, when it happened he was just a little confused - he thought Papa Johns employees had tucked the note in there... Not exactly a plan carried out as I thought. But I kept the note. Thanks Life.

The only photos I hadn't hung was a frame that said "Love Makes a House a Home". It had our photos but I was saving it to hang - saw that Wednesday as I was packing. Thanks Life.

Ryan and I binged-watched 3 seasons of Suits. Amazon Prime just came out with the 4th season. I binged watched just so I didn't have to be reminded for days that he wasn't there to watch with me. Spoiler Alert: Mike proposes to Rachel in the finale. Thanks Life.

Mowing at home + only getting partway through the kitchen took forever. Doing this by myself is much more than I anticipated and I'm supposed to be moving in 2 weeks. Thanks Life.

Saturday was 5 months. And I got silent treatment again when I reached out that night. Thanks Life.

I hadn't eaten much in 2 days. Well, tummy cramps and multiple runs to the bathroom yesterday and an upset stomach most of the day and today. Thanks Life.

Silver Linings - June 15

The brightest part of my day so far...

Emotions & Obsessions

Culture Differences in Grieving

It came up in conversation with a few people yesterday about cultural differences after a loss. In some places, the families wail openly in the streets and the community comes out to support and mourn with them. In the US, we put on black, sit through a somber service, and then head home where it's expected the families deal with our "sadness" privately. Let's just be honest right here and say if you believe that people mourning the loss of a loved on are just "really sad" all day, that is way WAY off base...

Painful Obsessions

A friend said something after this that hit home for me:
We're allowed to be obsessed with a sports team, with an actor or musician; we're allowed to be obsessed with food. It's ok if that obsession lasts for decades. Sometimes the person has an obsession so intense that people may not understand but they give flexibility: we anoint them as 'foodies', 'groupies', 'sports fanatics', etc. and while we may not be in the same boat we nod our heads and acknowledge that's their "thing".

Because there is happiness in doing that 'thing' that can consume their life.

For whatever reason, we're not allowed to be obsessed with something as emotional as losing a soulmate, losing a child, losing a best friend or a parent, etc. It's not ok that the thing consuming our life is riddled with the emotions of despair, loneliness, pain and abandonment. If our friend ignores our phone calls repeatedly every time the game is on, we forgive them for that, but we don't stop calling. But when the tables turn and the calls are ignored because our obsession is on other non-happiness emotions, then people walk away.

Necessary Emotions

Why is the emotion of happiness ok but sadness not? Can you have happiness without sadness, loneliness, or discomfort? Can you understand relief or joy without pain? It reminded me of the theme of the book "The Giver".

Scraping your knee is a necessary part of being a child. We tease kiddos about crocodile tears and tell them to get up and keep going; gently done, that's a good lesson to learn. And when bodies break we do our best to support people; we may not know what it feels like to have a broken arm or the pain of being cut open for surgery or recovering after the birth of a child but we still bring those people bring dinner, tell them jokes, take them out for coffee or beer, draw silly things on their casts, run with them as they get their strength back, etc.

So why do we discard another human being when their heart and their mind have broken so intensely (eons more painful than a broken bone or being cut open --- I say with experience) just because we claim we can't understand?

The Terror of Coming Changes

I'm going to admit: the next few weeks are probably going to be brutal...

• My brother heads out of town, so it's reasonable that there will be days where I have no human interaction. As...
• the list of "let me know if you need anything people" that responds to a text/call has been whittled down to just 1 in-town and 'longer than January' friend. While I've found 2-3 new girls/random kind strangers in the last few weeks, acquaintances aren't exactly meltdown companions... 
• Everyone has disappeared-even my therapist. I haven't even talked to a professional in a month...
• It's time to get some work done inside the house
• New flooring installed in bedrooms
• I need to paint and have patching done in at least the living/kitchen and bedroom
• Flooring updates & painting it means I have to start sorting things into the garage for purging/donation. Nothing has been touched since January. This will be awful.
• I don't really have anyone to ask help from for all of the above
• I'm moving back in. Less than 20 days. To our home. 
• Saturday is 5 months. Wow. Ugghhhhhhhh

I expect there are going to be some bad days and some really bad days coming up. I'm terrified of the solitude through all of it, terrified of having to go through every item he owned and the things we owned together, terrified of the necessary process of changing the house from a place that was "ours" to what will now be just "mine", mostly terrified of going through another meltdown solo. Of sending a text for help and no one responding. Of being blown off yet again and reminded that the one person who treated me like I was important isn't here anymore.

I'm terrified of the nights where I remember why that is. Terrified of the filing cabinet in my mind where thoughts I've spent months packaging into manageable folders suddenly spilling out uncontrollably, leaving me paralyzed. I'm terrified that what's left of my heart will be stredded all over again.

The silver lining is after the next 3 weeks I will probably look even better in my bikini, may have shaved off 0:30 from my run time or finally pushed past the 5.5 mile distance...?

Ultimately, after it's said and done...

I'll be home again.

Wordless Wednesday: Standing on a Line

Approaching 5 months and the last few weeks have left me worn out and feeling abandoned.
The "not bad" days are driven entirely by willpower, which is pretty exhausting.

Gut Check: You Promised

No, baby don't

You're making my heart hurt

Don't say those words

Take it back 

You know you don't mean it

You swore when you (said you wanted to marry me)

It meant forever

Oh, you promised


...But no matter what you do

You know I'll always love you

Well I have to 

'Cause I promised

Please Let Me Have My Meltdowns

Please.

Let me have my meltdown.

It may not be “comfortable” to watch. It may leave you feeling helpless. Welcome to my world. You don’t have to say anything. Please don’t say you know what I’m going through. If you do know an element of what I’m feeling or understand a component of grief and loss then please, please do share – I want to know that some things that are happening are not exclusively mine.

Just let me talk. Or cry. Drink way too much. Scream. Give me a safe place to share. Mark the studs so I can punch a wall. Let me run with tears streaming down my face until my legs ache, my lungs are on fire and I have to stop to barf. Let me do any and all of that.

Please.

Let me have my meltdown.

Because tomorrow – or maybe a little longer – I will wake up and tell myself “You cannot keep doing this.” I will let that event be one of many small turning points. It will add a stitch to the gaping wound that was left after I lost my Every Day. I will review and reflect, reminding myself “This is not who you are – it’s time to get your shit together.” I will repeat once again “He never stopped loving you.”

Let me have my meltdown; it will remind me of the route I do not want and cannot go down. It will allow me to release the pain and hurt that I’ve felt every day of the last 20 weeks + 2 days. It will keep me from going down to GT’s and laying $500 on the counter because I see no other way to stop hurting.

Whatever you do please let me have my meltdown. But please - don’t let me have it alone.

Never alone and never a dull moment with you, Sweetheart.