Letters to Ryan: Tired

Hey Sweetheart,
There are days that I do realize that I want to keep going, keep trying. I'm just so tired Sweetie. It doesn't matter if I get 2 hours or 5 hours or the rare 8+ hours...I'm always exhausted.

You, Ryan, you were the one I depended on when I had a rough day, when I doubted myself, or when I needed affirmation that I was making the right decision. I'm tired of looking around and seeing everyone has forgotten you; everyone has forgotten me. I'm tired of being abandoned. I'm tired of being honest because I'm crying out for help and it going unanswered.

Perhaps it's because no one knows what to do. I certainly don't.

What I need is for you to hold me when I'm tired, to hear your snores as I try to fall asleep; what I need is to come home to a kind voice and a smile at the end of my day - asking how it went so I can share the details, great or small, boring or not.

I need you here so we can laugh about the techs at the Apple Store today, 75% of which had these epic hipster beards (obviously...). I need your banter, your playfulness and your witty remarks and terribly offensive jokes to brighten my day. I need to hear your laugh. I need my partner in humor - you would have cracked up at the "it's like wiping peanut butter off a shag carpet" bit in The League tonight. You weren't here to watch it with me. You're really gone?

This is not living; this is pointless. This wasting of resources makes no sense. This existing, incapable of feeling happiness or hope, living an existence laced with disappointment and abandonment and despair. Incapable of remembering anything. Reacting to everything. Numb to all else. It makes no sense. Now that you're not here beside me, I've realized I'm the only person on this planet that can really bring happiness back into my life. I'm just too unsure of how that happens and too tired to care if it does.

Miss you. Love you. Always yours,